Sunday, February 19, 2012

FF : I Feel Nothing Part 3


They both got startled by a sudden knock on the door. 


It made Khushi Jump and Arnav automatically held her firmly... "not now!"  Arnav yelled...


Khushi's eyes were still staring into his...


"She's thinking...Please God...please..."

But as the knocking started again, her trance was broken...


"Chote?" Nani and Anjali called...

Arnav was livid, and ready to yell...


But Khushi pushed away from him and motioned him to go to the door..."It's Anjaliji...please go..."

"...Khushi..." he warned...

"Please...she needs you..."


He could see that she had turned off again...


Arnav reluctantly strode to the bedroom door and open it...


..."what the!?"


Standing before him was Nani, Di, Akash, Payal, mami and Shyam...


Arnav wasn't in the mood for whatever they were going to say, but he tried to relax a little...


He leaned against the door and said, "what can i do for all of you?"

Anjali spoke first, "chote...we have all been talking for the last few days and were already going to talk to Khushi and tell her that we have been too hard on her. We love her and we all reacted badly."

"Badly?!...She's been alone! Snubbed by everyone!"


Nani spoke up..."I know Chote, and that is not going to happen from our side anymore."


"I love my sister," Payal said softly..."I want our relationship back..."


Arnav studied them, and was quite pleased with their genuine turnaround...

He turned back to look for Khushi who...wasn't there???


Arnav felt his pulse quicken and moved away from the door only to have Nani grab his jacket sleeve and say, "Chote, we haven't finished."
But he was more concerned for Khushi's whereabouts and pulled himself free, "I will be down soon with Khushi...I need to go...please leave for now." 

And he shut the door in their faces. 


He immediately started searching the room and calling for Khushi, and soon saw her by the pool looking at the sky...


Breathing a sigh of relief he approached her and stood right in front of her. 


He stood so close, but didn't touch her. 


His gaze followed hers to the bright stars...


"I can see them..." Arnav whispered..."They are looking down on you. So proud of the woman you have become." 


His eyes moved back down to her... 


"I don't see anything. I don't feel anything." she stated plainly. 


Oh God, Khushi please come back...


"LOOK AT ME." Arnav said firmly but without anger. 


Her eyes hit his... 


On the verge of tears,  he asked her..."close your eyes..."

And for the first time, in a long time, Khushi's heart thudded..."...no. I know you're angry but please..."

"Khushi...please. Close your eyes...I promise you and give you my word that i am..." he choked..."I am NOT going to hurt you..." his chest stung...


She only thought he could hurt?


She no longer trusted him with anything? 


He was ready to plead with her, but then saw her eyes slip shut...

Arnav then spoke very slowly and softly..."Khushi, you say you don't feel anything..."

He started to walk around her, staying very close ...

"...you say that you don't FEEL anything?"...

He walked around her and came before her again, standing so close she could feel his breath on her cheeks...

"I trust you Khushi."

He moved closer that their bodies were touching, but he never lifted his hands to touch her...

"I feel you Khushi...I know who you are...and...and you aren't this person."


The guilt inside him was suffocating..."I drove you to this. I will never be able to forgive myself for this, but i will damn make sure that you don't remain this way...you are happiness...you are life...you are faith...you are serenity...you are absolutely crazy...and i am in love with you...you can tell me that you don't feel anything till you lose your voice...but..." he moved so close that  his lips touched hers..."I know your heart..."

Khushi was in a daze.

"What is he saying!?" her mind screamed...


She wasn't sure how everything had changed from what she was USED to. 


Her Home life had now become this strange, uneasy, LOVING  atmosphere... 


Arnav's last words brought her back to her senses...


"...I know your heart..." 


Her eyes opened to see her husband, who was looking at her like if he looked away he'd cease to exist. 


"Stop this..." she murmered...and started to move back...


But Arnav only moved forward...


That same old dance they used to do before all the pain and revenge started...


She continued to move back and he pursued her...


"P...please stop, " she found herself saying...


"I can't...I won't..." said Arnav hotly..." ...if i stop, I die. And seeing you here before me, I have regained my will to live. I can only pray that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I can only beg that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I will wait forever. I will not faulter.  My love for you has been stifled, tricked, tormented, suffocated and...and i will NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. Your heart is the most precious gift. Please give me another chance to keep your heart safe, keep it loved..."

Her back finally hit the wall..."Stop talking like this...It's not you..."

Arnav planted his hands on the wall beside her, fencing her in..."THIS is me...I have been in love with you for too long...and seeing what I've done...what this whole situation has done to you...my heart can't take it anymore..."


His intensity was drawing her in, so deeply into his eyes that she couldn't look away if she tried...


"I don't even think i have a heart...it started breaking...each piece that broke fell and disappeared ..I don't have anymore strength left to love you..." 


Khushi's voice was blank...

Arnav, with tears in his eyes held her shoulders..."Y...you don't have anymore strength left to love me?...you loved me?" 

A new pain swamped him. 


ALL this time she had loved HIM! 


His eyes found hers...


She had loved HIM! 


Even through all that he did...


Oh God...


"I don't deserve He forgiveness...I don't deserve her..." his heart was in shreds...


But as he looked into her eyes, the windows to her soul, he knew, without one doubt, that no one could ever love her with such passion as he did. 


Even if she never loved him again, even if she never forgave him...


He would move heaven and earth to make her happy...


This precious woman had been through enough...


Now he was going to protect her with his life, and shower her with his love. 


"Please don't say anymore..." 


His thought process stopped when he heard her voice...


"Khushi-"


"No. Please. Let our emotions just die. I no longer love you. I no longer love anyone."



Arnav felt like his spirit had died and he swiftly shut his eyes in despair.

Khushi's brow wrinkled as she frowned... "Are you ok? Do you have a headache?"

Arnav's heart was breaking...

Was she so lost that she wasn't able to read his eyes anymore?

How could he do this to her?

How could he have pushed her emotions so far inside her that she no longer wanted to let them surface!



*Flashback*

"You will STOP this false care!"

Khushi was scared, but she tried to convince him..."Arnavji, I know you are tired, Please let me look after you..."

Grabbing her brutally, he dug his fingers into her arms..."Look in my eyes! Go on!" she shook her..."I'm NOT joking! Stop ACTING like you care! STOP CARING!" Arnav yelled

Khushi was staring at him...her body shaking with terror...

The look he was giving her was already burning her heart. "I am sorry Arnavji, I won't bother you again tonight."

Had her husband REALLY just asked her to stop caring for him? 

Had he REALLY just asked her to never ACT like she cares!?

He released her swiftly and let her fall back against the door...

"Just get OUT of my sight!"

She dejectedly walked out of the room..."It's not an act Arnavji..." and the door closed.

The instant she was gone, he looked up at the empty room...

He knew that his heart had left with her...

Briskly standing up, he threw his phone to the ground..."Damn this shit!!! Why can't i stop loving her!?  I don't want to love her! I hate her so much for this. I am disgusted that i ever LET her into this house! I wish she just stopped caring! Then it would be easier to hate her!!!"

*end of Flashback*



With tears streaming down his face he looked into her blank eyes, "I wish I never said that to you."

His sobs were now breaking into his speech..."I...I wi...wish I never said that! I WANT you to care for me!" 

His arms fell to his sides..."I...Oh God...I am the biggest fool...Khushi..." 

He became frantic, his trembling hands lifted, delicately coming up to hold her face..."please, pplleaassee...Khu...Khushi please forgive me. Yell at me, hit me, push me, please show me how you feel! If you don't come back to me, I...I won't...I won't be able to go on!"

Khushi's breathing halted.

She could see him breaking down.

"This won't do..." her thoughts were even emotionless..."Now the family might think that I am torturing HIM."

She brought her hands up to his chest and spoke softly, "Arnavji, I don't know what to say to you. I truly can't understand what is going on. I will continue trying to be a good wife to you. But please stop saying things like this to me...I can't love you... I have nothing to love with."

His head snapped up.

"You have...nothing left to love with?" he repeated her words...

Her eyes were now terrifying him...nothing...no spark...no life...

NO FUCKING WAY.

He grabbed her around the waist with his left hand and held on tight.

And then planted his right palm firmly on her heart.

Never having touched her this way before, Khushi gasped...

His touch suddenly spread like fire through her blood...

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN FEEL?!" he paused pressing his hand more firmly against her chest..."I can feel your HEART! Beating!...YOUR. HEART. It's THERE Khushi! And i won't rest until I see you smile from your heart again..." 

His tears had dried.

His eyes were clear.

He made his desicion.

He was in pursuit of her.

And he was NOT going to give up.


.................


Moving back from her, his heart began to weep from the loss of contact, but he could see that getting through to her would take time...

Khushi could feel his heated gaze still on her, and tried to change the subject..."W...would you like some tea before you go to sleep?" she asked quietly.

Arnav was disappointed.

More than anything, he just wanted to express his love for her...

He berated himself harshly, but forced a smile... "...that would be nice, if you would join me too..."

Her eyes widened...

Arnav suddenly realized what she may have thought and didn't want to frighten her... "I meant, join me for TEA..."

Khushi sighed and relaxed a little..."no thankyou. I will prepare to go to sleep."

He nodded, but soon remembered..."Oh wait, the family are waiting downstairs for us...they wanted to talk."

Suddenly Khushi looked resigned, and she stiffened, as though preparing for more verbal attacks...

"No..." he quickly stood before her..."No Khushi...please don't worry, I won't let anyone, ANYONE speak ill of you. You are mine. If someone speaks bad of you then they have spoken bad of me. And they will have to reap the consequences...I protect what is mine..."

"Why have I suddenly become yours?"

Her question ate away what was left of his own heart..."Khushi...you...I have...I..."

"Nevermind..." she turned away and walked towards the door...

Before she could open it, Arnav caught up to her and swung her around into his arms.

Khushi's arms flew around him to steady herself, and his face flushed at her touch...

His eyes bore into hers..."I am in love with you...AND YOU ARE MINE."

She slowly blinked as Arnav released her and held her hand..."let's go..."


........................




Arnav relished the contact of her hand in his as they walked downstairs together...

The whole family was in the lounge and saw them coming...

Anjali walked up to them with a smile and said, "New beginnings. Please let us start again. Khushiji, please forgive us for our reactions. And Chote, i love you so much and want you to be happy, i know Khushiji makes you happy. " she reached with arms outstretched towards Khushi...

Khushi put on her rehersed smile and hugged Anjali...

The other family soon joined in...

Nani was in tears as she hugged them both.

Payal was overjoyed to have her sister back...

"Now we can have some color in this house again! We all have a reason to smile!" Anjali beamed happily...

"Khushiji gives everyone a reason to smile..." 

Arnav  looked up, his temper ready to blow a fuse...

His gaze hard on the person who just spoke...Shyam.

Arnav spoke calmly, "Khushi gives ME a reason to live, and smile. She's MY wife and I.LOVE.HER."

Arnav tightened his grip on Khushi's hand, which he had never let go, and pulled her close.

Everyone just laughed at Arnav and teased him for being so in love...

But Shyam knew who the statement was directed at...

And Arnav let his lasering gaze out as a warning.

..................
...why couldn't he find her!?

...where was she?

"Khushi!!!!!!!" he ran into every room, he ran outside, he screamed for her!

Then he remembered what Shyam said, " And i swear, that very soon, i will be taking you away from here."

He went pale with fear.

No. NO!

He HAD to find her!

He had vowed to keep her safe!

How could he fail her like this!?!?

With one last deafening scream he yelled, "KHUSHIII!!!"...


Khushi heard Arnav calling her name...

He was writhing around in bed...

Since Anjali had almost discovered that Khushi was sleeping by the poolside, Arnav ordered that they  share the bed to keep up appearances.

But he had never touched her.

Never even looked her way...

But tonight when they fell asleep, he kissed her forehead and fell asleep facing her...

She was so unnerved that she could hardly sleep...

So when he called out, she was automatically sitting up at attention.

Reaching for his arm, she tried to wake him..."Arnavji?"...

"No...No Khushi...Please...please!"

He was getting louder, and Khushi feared he would wake everyone...

"Arnavji!" she shook him hard, and his eyes sprung open.

He sat up with start. 

Sweating.

And immediately searching for Khushi...

The moment his eyes locked to hers, she hurriedly pulled her hand away...

"She's afraid of me..." his heart felt lacerated..."She's afraid of me...my wife...the love of my life...is afraid...fuck no!"

Turning towards her, he pulled her into a hard embrace...

Khushi feeling totally winded quickly started squirming...

Arnav, realizing he was probably frightening her more, loosened his hold on her...and they just sat still facing each other...

Khushi broke the silence, "you were dreaming...are you ok?"

Arnav suddenly remembered his dream, his face covered with fear..."I won't let anything happen to you...I won't let him touch you. I won't let him near you... I promise. I have already failed you once. I have put you last on too many occasions. You. YOU are what's important to me!" suddenly feeling like he was falling he lay his head on her lap trying to control all his emotions which were starting to spiral out of control...

Khushi didn't know what to do...
Then something happened.

She looked at the man in front of her.

The man desperately trying to right all the wrongs he had done.

The one who now made her feel that she wasn't alone...

And he was now breaking down right in front of her!
Unthinkingly, she lifted her hand and ran her fingers through his hair...remembering how she always wanted to do that...

"So soft...and damp...he was very affected by this dream..." she thought...

Arnav gasped softly when he felt her hand...

He felt her run her fingers through his hair...

He felt her trying to soothe him...

Going still, he closed his eyes, not wanting to spook her, not wanting to lose her touch...

"She cares...I KNOW. Even if she doesn't know. I know."

As he drifted away, Khushi was overcome...

After weeks of rejection, hatred, distance...

Her numb body was starting to feel...



.....................




Khushi woke up still sitting leaning on the bedframe with Arnav sleeping peacefully in her lap.

Her hand on his hair...

"Oh God! I'm touching him!!!"

She pulled her hand away in horror as though she'd just touched a live flame...
The second she removed her hand he woke..

He gazed up at her...

She was beautiful.

There weren't enough words to describe his wife.

Sitting up, he breathed..."You're beautiful." 

His words disarmed her fear, and she jumped at her chance to escape...

"I must go and prepare for the day now." Khushi said softly

Arnav slid forwards, "...not before i do this..."

Khushi slammed her eyes shut, and froze.

He moved up close to her, oh so close...and kissed her cheek.

Not fast.

But slowly and deliberately.

Lingering.

Letting his warm lips heat her face...

When he withdrew, Khushi began to tingle...

She didn't know what was happening.

She didn't know how to react to all this.

She didn't know if he would suddenly change towards her again.

She just ...didn't know anything anymore.

Arnav saw her confusion, and looked deep into her eyes... "I am never EVER going to break your heart again. I can't promise to be perfect, but i CAN promise to love you forever. Never letting you feel unloved again."

Khushi recoiled, more frightened by his calm than anything else...

She hurried into the bathroom and slammed the door...

Her palms were sweating as she stared at herself in the mirror.

She  looked at her eyes...her pupils were dilated...

She put her hand to her chest...

Beating fast.

Everything was different.

"Oh my god! " she rasped, feeling mortified..."He's getting into my heart again!"

ANGER.

She was angry...

"WHY AM I ANGRY!?!"

Her breathing was now sharp..."Why am I feeling things!?!"


..............


Arnav knew that his change of attitude would be a lot to take in, and he was worried for her, and how she would react...

He could hear her in the bathroom....

She was talking to herself...

Arnav heard her raspy voice and grew worried...

He went to the door and softly knocked asking her if she was alright...

Things suddenly went quiet. 

He knocked again..."Khushi? Talk to me, are you alright?"

Then the door swung open.

And Arnav was NOT prepared for what happened next...



1 comment:

  1. omg Arnavs speech left me breathless. Just beautiful.

    ReplyDelete