Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I Deserve This?







"I deserve it!? I deserve this pain!?"

"Yes! Don't think that your fake tears will weaken my resolve...you sicken me with your vile attitude and talks..."

"What have i done!? What have i ever done to you to make you hate me so!?"

"I know everything...and YOU will NEVER get what you want...EVER!"

Khushi looked at her bruising hand...She held back her tears...and ran from the room...

...

Arnav saw her escape from him...

He felt stakes being driven into his heart for every footstep he heard her take away...

"I don't care! I DON'T!" he kept repeating to himself...

He sat down briskly on his couch trying to calm his thoughts when he heard Payal and Anjali's deafening Scream...

Panic sliced through him...his legs couldn't run fast enough...the second he reached the top of the stairs his gaze zoomed in to the truamatic sight...

Khushi.

He sped to her side..."Khushi!"

He lifted her to carefully in his arms and laid her on the couch...Arnav's heartbeat thudded in his ears...He lifted a hand to her face...

Bruises on her head...her arms...her hand...That one was from him...

"what happened?" His voice erupting with anxiety...

Payal held Khushi's hand as tears dripped down her cheeks..."she was running and she tripped and fell...Di is calling the doctor..."

He let out a harsh sob..."Khushi...Khushi open your eyes..."

"she was conscious after the fall...but soon fainted...she was saying that she had to get away? Arnavji...was..."
Payal didn't have time to finish her sentence...

Shyam entered the room and ran over to Khushi yelling,  "What's happened! Khushiji!?!"

Arnav was about to push him away, Payal's voice broke forth..."YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER!"

Arnav's eyes were wide wish shock...he had never heard Payal speak with such hate and anger...

"You've done enough to her! Buaji told you to stay away from her! I have told you to stay away from her! Khushi herself has been terrified of your constant obsession of her! If YOU were the one she 'had to get away' from...and YOU were the one who caused this, i will NOT spare you!" Payal began to cry bitterly...her attention returning to Khushi...

Taking her sisters hand in hers she wept saying, "At least now Khushi has a husband who cares enough about her to shield her from the likes of you!"

Payal's words were ripping at Arnav's heart...his soul was shrivelling up...

Shyam quickly tried to speak..."Payal? What ...what are you?"

"ENOUGH! I'm sure Khushi has told Arnavji everything...so STOP pretending!!! You disgust me! Khushi and Di are both victims to your evil deeds! Why can't you just leave them both alone!!!"

Akash entered the room with Anjali...

Akash quickly rushed to Payal to console her...

"Chote...the doctor is on his way..." Anjali sat beside Khushi holding her hand..."my God...so many bruises...chote why was she running?...why was she crying? Was Shyam right? Were you two fighting...?"

Arnav wasn't able to speak.
He wasn't able to move.
His eyes were fastened to Khushi...
His head hurt with the ferocity of his thoughts..."She told him to leave Di...to protect her...and...and I..."

Payal heard a knock at the door...and quickly went to answer it...

Arnav stayed deathly quiet as the doctor approached and examined Khushi...

She started to moan as she came back to her senses...

Anjali quickly soothed her..."It's okay Khushiji...This is the doctor...he just want to check you over..."

Khushi's eyes were glazed and confused as the Doctor spoke quietly to her asking her questions...

Payal stayed with Khushi as the doctor pulled Arnav and Anjali away to talk... "well she's very bruised and banged up, no broken bones though...keep her resting...but encourage her to walk and move when she can to stop her body getting stiff from the pain...she doesn't appear to have a concussion...did she fall far down the stairs?"

"no...just the last few...She was running...and crying..." Anjali  said looking up at Arnav...

"okay...well give her some pain medicine and if she has any other problems...I can see that she's well looked after here so i'm sure she'll recover in no time..."

He turned to Arnav..."just keep taking care of her...I can see how much you love her...don't be too worried...I'll leave now...but call me if she needs anything..."

...

Anjali walked back to Khushi...giving her some water and two tablets...

Payal helped her sit up and take them...

Anjali looked over to Arnav who was staying a distance away...his eyes almost bleeding with pain and concern...

"Payalji...shall we let them have some time?"

Payal nodded...

"Jiji? Di?" Khushi's shaky voice questioned their impending departure...

Anjali reassured her..."It's okay...take rest...we're just in the next room..."

As they left, Arnav walked up to Khushi...

"Khushi?..." his voice pained and hoarse...

Khushi's whole body filled with fear...her eyes shot up revealing her terror...

Arnav  felt sick with guilt..."Khushi...I'm not going to hurt you..."

Khushi quickly and painfully scrambled up off the couch...

Her cries and shrieks of discomfort and pain made him rush to her...

Seeing him come closer made her call out, "NO! Don't come near me!"

His heart ruptured..."Khushi, you're...you're in pain. Please...please sit back down..." he started to choke back his tears...

"Stop it! Stop pretending that you care! I don't know what you think i've done, but if you think i DESERVE this then leave me alone..."

Arnav shook his head his broken pleas going unheard...

"No...Stay Away from me!" Khushi yelled as she backed away from him...

Arnav couldn't bare the pain..."No...I won't stay away from you..."

He rushed to her trying to hold her but her arms had bruises from her fall...
"Khushi...I'm so so sorry...I'm so so sorry..."

"what for!? You WANTED this!? You WANTED me to suffer! You WANTED me to hurt! Well now i AM!!!!!!!!!"

His thoughts erupting..."Oh my God...I have done this...Oh my God!"

All the things he had done...
All the things he had said...

Sorry was never going to be enough...

..............



Anjali and Payal came running  in hearing Khushi's screams...

"Khushi! Khushi what happened?! Calm down..."

Payal raced over ..."Shhh...please come sit...you shouldn't be standing..." she reached out to hold Khushi's hand...

Arnav quickly tried to warn her..."No Payal...Her hand...her hand is injured..."

Khushi's Fire filled eyes shot up and burnt Arnav with their flames...

Anjali walked up to Khushi, gently holding her shoulder..."Khushiji...please try to relax..."

She looked back at Arnav..."Chote, why did you let her get up!? You know she shouldn't be stressing...please can you carry Khushiji up to your room so she can rest..."

Arnav walked forwards but stopped the instant he heard Khushi's voice...

"NO!...No please Di, Jiji...please can i stay down here with you both...please..." Khushi's voice was frightened and pleading...

Arnav's felt like his soul was dying...

His thoughts were consuming him..."She was the victim...all this time...ALL THIS BLOODY TIME! Everything i said to her...everything i did to her...everything i made her do...I...I...Oh my God What have i done?" ...

Payal tried to reassure Khushi..."It's okay...I'll be up to see you soon...You'll be more comfortable in your room... Arnavji will look after you, he was very very worried..."

"Jiji...p...please..."

Her pained voice was killing him...He remembered all the times she'd cried since he forcefully married her...

She was now too scared to be around him...

He felt sharp pains coarse through him...her pain, her trauma...the guilt was starting engulf him...

"Khushiji...we will both come up to see you soon...please take some rest...chote is your husband...he will look after you...Chote?" Anjali motioned for Arnav to come over...

Arnav looked at Khushi...her defeated eyes just looked down...

She clasped her hands tightly together as he carefully put his arm around her waist and the other under her knees...

Khushi clenched her eyes when she felt pain spiral through her...

Arnav held her close...His heart was thundering as his arms carried her effortlessly...

As soon as they were in  their room he heard her take a deep breath ...he looked at her...her eyes were squeezed shut tight...

Feeling worried, he whispered..."Khushi?... Khushi? ...What's wrong?"

Khushi  ground out her words..."Just throw me down like you usually do and leave me alone..."

Arnav felt like the life was being suctioned out of him...

He walked to the bed and placed her down with extreme care...

Khushi glanced at him with nervous eyes...

As Arnav reached out to rearrange pillows behind her, she gasped and  briskly turned her head away ...

His hand froze.

His eyes crashed closed, his nerves twisted with grief...

She only expected hurt from him...only expected pain...

"Khushi...I...I'm not going to hurt you..."

"Please..." Her words were infected with pain and despair..."please leave me alone...I won't say anything, I will do what you say...just please...please leave me alone..."

His heart bled...The will to keep breathing was gone...He backed away...

He reached the poolside and slumped into one of the chairs...

He looked back at her...

She lay there crying quietly...

He detested himself...

He cursed himself for having such little faith he had in her...

He thought back to everything he said to her only minutes ago...

*flashback*

"Don't think that your fake tears will weaken my resolve...you sicken me with your vile attitude and talks..."

"What have i done!? What have i ever done to you to make you hate me so!?"

"I know everything...and YOU will NEVER get what you want...EVER!"

*end of flashback*

His head fell to his hands..."oh God...What...have...I...done...?"

He looked back up at her...all he wanted to do was hold her...apologize to her...plead with her to forgive him...but that still, wouldn't be enough...

"I love you Khushi..." He breathed...


..............


"Khushiji?"

Arnav lifted his head hearing his Di's voice...

He stood up ready to rush over to Khushi...ready to play the 'happy' husband and wife...

But he stopped cold...

"No..." he thought..."I can't do that to her anymore..."

Anjali and Payal entered the room to see Khushi sleeping...

They turned and saw Arnav standing at the poolside entrance...

"Chote? Why are you outside?"

Arnav walked towards them and stood in front of Payal...

"I'm so so sorry. She WAS running from me. I...I yelled at her...Payal, Please forgive me..."

Payal looked over to Khushi.....then back to Arnav..."It's okay Arnavji...Married couples fight...it was not your fault...it was just an accident..."

Arnav's heart constricted...he could hardly breathe...

"it was...I...I thought..."

"Chote..." Anjali lifted her hand to her brother's face..."She will be okay...don't blame yourself..."

Payal nodded..."We will come back in while...just take care of her... Like we already know you do..."

.......

He was now alone with Khushi again...

As he slumped down next to her on the bed, he saw her bruised hand, her bruised arms...

His voice came out raspy and despondent..."I deserve these marks of pain...how...how can i ever make this right?...how will she ever forgive me?...how many 'sorrys' will be enough?...why did i do this to you?...when all this time I only wanted to love you..."

Khushi moved slightly and cried out in pain...

His ears thundered as her pained voice echoed though his head...

"For all the times i never bloody listened to you..."

His tears now stung his cheeks...

"For all the times you cried..."

His clamped his eyes shut...

"For all the times you hid away in fear..."

His heart ached...He clutched his chest...

"For all the heartache i gave you..."

He laid his head down next to her...
.......

Khushi started to stir...

Feeling achy all over...

She sat up in bed and froze when she saw Arnav laying asleep next to her...

Quickly, she attempted to stand...

"Khushi?"

She turned to see Payal standing in the doorway...

"Jiji...shhhh..." and she pointed to Arnav sleeping...

Payal walked over..."Come sit by the pool...i'll get you some tea..."

Khushi nodded as her sister held her arm and walked slowly with her outside...

Finally sitting, Payal spoke..."I know why you were running down the stairs..."

Khushi's worried eyes shot up..."I just tripped, I was hurrying...it's wasn't anything Jiji, really..."

"no no...don't worry...Arnavji told me that you two had been fighting..."

"w...what?" Khushi was already feeling dizzy, now she was completely dumbfounded...

"Yes, he told me and Di that he had been unfair to you and that's why you were running..."

Payal sat in front of Khushi..."I was so worried...I love you so much Khushi...my hands were shaking as i held your hand...I...I got so mad when you fell that i lashed out at Shyam..."

"Jiji...no...please tell me that you didn't...."

"no don't be alarmed...Arnavji was there...Di had gone to phone for the doctor..."

"Oh no...Oh my God...Oh no....." Khushi now felt terror sweep through her...

"Khushi! Shhhhh... Di didn't find out...it's okay...let me get you some tea..."

Khushi stared nervously as her sister left the room...

Her head was pounding...

Her heart was exploding...

"Arnavji is going to be so angry...he knows...he knows about Shyam...he knows about Shyam and Me...oh my god...he already hated me...and now he will hate me more...how will i explain to him?...how will i convince him that i never wanted to hurt Anjaliji?...How many "sorrys" will i have to say?"

"Khushi..."

She looked over and heard him mumble her name in his sleep...he was starting to wake up...
..........

Arnav stretched and opened his eyes...

His eyes were still tired and heavy...

He rapidly sat up, remembering what had happened...

Looking over, he saw that Khushi wasn't in bed...

He began to panic and was about to jump up to find her when he immediately paused...

Khushi was kneeling beside the bed...

Still half asleep and baffled, he whispered..."k...Khushi?"

She looked up at him, her eyes overflowing with emotion...

Lifting her hands, she held her ears and said brokenly..."Sorry..."


................


Arnav's system was booted into high gear seeing Khushi on her knees...

And his heart shot with pain hearing her words...

"W...What?!"

Khushi flinched in fear and quickly spoke again..."Sorry....Sorry....Sorry....Sorry...."

Arnav fell to the floor beside her...

He was mindful of her bruised arms and held her gently as she continued to apologize...

Turning her to face him...he brought his hands up to her face...

Her eyes were closed...

Tears of acute sadness trickled down her cheeks...

"Khushi...Shhh..."

"Sorry...Sorry..."

"Khushi....please shhhhhh..."

Her voice became more and more choked by emotion..."Sorry...Sorry...Sorry..."

Arnav closed his eyes as he felt despair consume him...

He heard her constant apology...every 'sorry' would obliterate another piece of his heart...

Arnav carefully held her hands and brought them to away from her ears and to his chest...

"Khushi...stop...please..."

She lifted her eyes to his face..."w...will you...you please...please forgive me..."

He felt all the life drain from him...

"Khushi..." he shook  his head in sorrow...

Her cries suddenly became louder...she gripped his shirt hard, hissing in pain as her hand throbbed with pain..."please...I didn't know he was your Jijaji! I didn't! I swear! You're right! I do Deserve this! I'm sorry i didn't tell you! I'm sor..."

Arnav swooped in and pressed his lips to hers...silencing her...

He heard her gasp and hold her breath as his mouth covered her mouth...

Arnav let his lips gently taste hers...

He brought his hands up to hers and gently pried apart her hard grip...

Pulling back, he lifted her hands to his mouth kissing them tenderly... "Forgive me Khushi...I need YOUR forgiveness...I knew about Shyam...but...He deceived me too...he lied about your intentions...and I...I believed him..."

Khushi's gaze was soft and despondent..."you...you believed w...what?"

Arnav died a little with every word he spoke next..."He said you loved him...that you were both out to ruin Di's life...and...and I..."

"I...I would never..." Khushi said as new tears filled her eyes...

"I know...I was so wrong...No Khushi...please...don't cry...I won't ever, EVER let him hurt you again...and I WON'T hurt you again...please believe me...Khushi I'm so so sorry..."

"it's okay Arnavji...you were protecting Di...It's okay...it was my fault for not telling you...please forgive me..."

Arnav felt like he'd been struck by lightening...as if his heart had been knocked unconscious...

"wha...what?" he managed to ask...

Khushi tried to pull her hands away from his but he wouldn't allow it..."what are you saying Khushi?"

"I'm saying that whatever you did, you did for your family...It's okay...I understand...I am the one who is sorry..."

Arnav's heart pricked with annoyance..."Khushi...Stop it! You did nothing wrong...! Enough!!! "

Without warning he lifted her off the floor and lay her delicately on the bed...

He saw the discomfort on her face every time her pained body try to move...

He sat down cautiously next to her..."Forgive me Khushi...I...I never wanted to hurt you like this..."

"I told you...I forgive you...will you forgive me?" Khushi said quietly...

Arnav moved back...his thoughts were troubling him immensely..."Khushi forgives me? Why!? This is what i wanted, but...why would she forgive me so easily? Does she think i will hurt her? No. It coudln't be this easy..."

"Khushi? Why?! Why are you..."

She looked up at him...her mind pounding..."God help me...I can't do it...No...I have to say it...."

With a deep breath and a rock-solid belief in her feelings, Khushi took the biggest chance of her life.

“Because I love you, Arnavji.”

Regret, remorse, pain, affliction, and almost a million other debilitating emotions flickered in his eyes. "You...I......I…”

She leaned in against him and cupped his face in her hands... “I understand...You did what you had to do. You had to be the hero that you are … I didn't understand before, but I see now the lengths you went to to protect Di...I see the Angry Arnav Singh Raizada...and I see Arnavji… I love them both.”

She pulled his head down to her and pressed a soft kiss to his mouth. “This is why I forgive you...”

Khushi quickly backed away before she completely broke down...

She barely moved an inch when Arnav slid forward, held her face firmly in his hands and slammed his mouth down on hers.

Khushi nervously lifted her hands up to his chest as his mouth devoured hers.

Passion, heat, and overwhelming desire intermingled with all the love exploding inside Arnav for this woman.

Releasing her, he backed away slowly, his eyes blazing with fierce emotions she knew he fought with every breath.

“I...I don't deserve your forgiveness Khushi...” He turned his face away feeling ashamed as memories of all that he'd said and done surged through his mind...

He shook his head...pain filling him to the core...She’d already suffered because of his stupid mistakes and selfish motives.

He’d be damned if he hurt her any more. "How can i continue anything with her, after hurting her so brutally..."

Khushi deserved all the happiness in the world and staying away from her had to be his contribution to that happiness...

He wanted to die for all the pain he'd given her...every hurtful word he'd ever said to her felt like a knife to his own heart...

"Arnavji...Love can look past the hurt...My heart saw what my eyes could not..."

Her voice, so thick with tears and emotion, was more painful than the cut in his side. She had been through hell and he was responsible for every bit of it.

Turning back to face her...His fingers touched the hideous bruises on her arms...

She trembled as his hands touched her sensitive skin...

He lifted his eyes to hers and heard her say..."I...I'm sorry Arnavji..."

His eyes clamped shut..."No...NO KHUSHI!"

Though his voice was piercing, his touch was delicate...

He felt her start to shake...heard her soft sobs...

His eyes shot open and saw her body slump, her eyes lightly shut with tears pouring over...her emotions took over her whole body...

Alarmed he moved closer and held her gently..."Khushi? Khushi look at me..."

Her dark, drenched eyes met his..."No? Why...why won't...why won't you forgive me?"

Realizing the misunderstanding...he shook his head...."no no, Khushi...I wasn't saying No to that...I want you to stop saying sorry...i would forgive you immediately if you had done something wrong...but you didn't...there's nothing to forgive..."

Khushi's body shook in her husbands arms...

Unable to bear her sorrow...Arnav lifted her with extreme tenderness...

Tears, and soft aching cries tore at his heart...

He stood up and walked to the poolside..."Khushi...you've asked me so many questions here...and never once have I replied honestly..."

He held her effortlessly...her one arm around his neck and her other hand, her injured hand, was on his chest...she felt his heart beat as he spoke...

"Why I almost kissed you, why i married you, why i gave you the bangles, why it mattered to me that you were engaged, why it mattered to me that you were leaving...the answer to all of those questions..." he paused...his voice went earnestly soft..."look at me Khushi..."

She lifed her gaze to his...he was intoxicated by her innocence and beauty...

"The answer...to ALL of your questions...is...Because I am madly, passionately, fully and completely in love with you..."

"You really do love me?"

Arnav desperately wanted to hold her closer, but restrained himself because of her injuries...

"I love you...I love you Khushi..." His eyes looked deep into hers as he uttered words he never thought he could...

Khushi smiled softly..."I love you too..."

Arnav felt pain, and happiness plague him at once...

He gently leaned over and placed her carefully on one of the poolside chairs...

Kneeling in front of her, he felt devastation overtake the speed of his heart...

"Khushi I...I...everything I said...and...and did...I..."

Khushi leaned towards him, leaving her fears behind her and let her lips touch his...

He groaned against her lips..."All this time..." he thought..."ALL this bloody time...ALL I wanted was her..."

Knowing she was hurting he kept the kiss feather light... 

His hands held her just below her shoulders, held her like he was afraid she’d pull away.

He fought an internal battle..."how can she forgive me for what i've done...when i could never forgive myself..."

He kissed the nape of her neck.  

“I love you Khushi...”

He heard the sadness in her whimpering sigh...

 “Say my name...”

Khushi felt her tears begin to sting her face...she tried to speak but could only let out a quick sob...

"Say my name Khushi..." He said as he kissed a trail up to her ear...

 “Say it.”  He ordered again while taking her earlobe gently between his teeth...

“Arnavji...” she breathed...

 “My heart has always been yours Khushi....”  

Arnav cupped her face in both of his hands and forced her to look up at him.  

"Always...”

He kissed her deeply until she was quivering against his firm body...

He ended the kiss with one last gentle brush of his lips across hers and rested his cheek against hers...

"Khushi?..."  Payal called out as she entered...

Khushi and Arnav were completely lost in each other, they didn't notice Payal...

As soon as she saw them sitting and embracing each other...Payal quietly backed out and left the room...

"Khushi...You aren't just saying this because I threatened your sister's marriage? Because i swear, i would never do anything to hurt you...or her...”  

His right hand caressed upwards until his thumb rested just below the swell of her breast.

Khushi heart the tone of his voice and she realized he was serious...

She put a reassuring hand on one of his well-muscled shoulders. “Do I look like a woman who has been blackmailed into being with you?”

His gray eyes darkened to near black as an inner storm raged.

“Khushi I..." his mind still couldn't comprehend how she survived all the hurt he had given her...

He stood up and backed away..."You should run from a man like me...”

There was such pain in his expression...

Khushi stood to face him and whispered, “I've only ever run towards you Arnavji...I’m not worried...”

"I don't want to hurt you anymore...but..."

"I know...I read your amma's letter...about your anger...yes...your  passion and dominance frightens me at times...but i'm still not worried..."

With both hands on her sides, he pulled her closer so he could see her expression.   “You deserve better...You deserver so much happiness...And I haven't ...I haven't given you any...”

Her eyes bore into his... "This right now...What you are giving me...What you are declaring to me...What you are promising me..."...She felt his arms tighten..."the happiness you are making me feel now is beyond wonderful..."

Holding her closer he lowered her open mouth over hers..."You deserve happiness...and so much more...and I promise you...I will give it to you..."













9 comments:

  1. What an ending loved it!!!!!!!!

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  2. loved the ending very beautifully written awesome

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  3. I absolutely LOVE all your work! You could actually write a book someday!

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  4. Awesome. Nice happy and promising ending. loved it and loved how they were lost in each other.

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  5. Lovely ending... I'm a huge fan of ur work :)))

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  6. Amazing last part.

    -desisweetheart9 from IF.

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  7. Uhaaawin mujhe nai pata...u have to continue this yaar...how can this end... my god it just ended...why why...cannt we have a little 5parts sequel...pretty please... my god this is utterly beautiful

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