Sunday, August 19, 2012

FF : I Feel Everything Part 26

Damn it all to hell.

What could he do?

How could he help her?

As he finished bandaging her wrists, she slowly edged away from him...

"Khushi...I...I swore I 'd protect you and...I haven't..." his eyes began to fill with tears..."I haven't...Khushi...I'm sorry I didn't find you sooner..."

She nodded, though she still didn’t raise her eyes to his.

“It''s ok... Thank—thank you for...for helping me just now and--”

“Don’t,” he said through his teeth.

This time her face rose to his, and though he knew what he’d see, his breath still caught in his chest, his blood still froze in his veins.

He’d kill the bastard.

Her eyes...

Pain and confusion in their gray depths.

“Do NOT thank me. For God’s sake, Khushi...” He paced away from her toward the door, fisted his hands and shoved them in his pockets to keep from ripping something apart.

“Do not thank me. I didn’t do shit. I didn’t . . .” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “You’re so precious and I can’t stand the thought of how hurt you are...and it's all my fucking fault for neglecting you once again...”

Khushi did nothing but stare.

Her face hurt.

Hell, her entire body ached, pulled and jerked.

Arnav stood before her, hands balled in his pockets.

Such a tall man, proud and strong.

The lines on his face were hard and unforgiving.

When his eyes opened, her breath caught again at the storming rage lighting his eyes from within.

“I shouldn't  have left you alone...I . . . I wasn’t thinking . . . I...Damn it all to hell,” he choked out his words...“Tell me what I can do to help you.” 

A muscle jumped in his jaw, the corners of his mouth tight, and then she saw the shine in his eyes and something inside her squeezed.

“I'm...I want to help you but I don't know what to do...I caused this and...and I’m afraid that I...that I will hurt you because you''re hurt already...and that's fault...Khushi..."

Her heart dropped...

Shame came in a hard, fast wave.

“I’m afraid I’ll scare you again... I don’t want to scare you,” he said softly. “I just want to . . . to . . . to . . .”

“To what?” she asked.

She saw him swallow; his jaw moved back and forth.

“I want to hold you and tell you everything’s going to be okay. I want to take all your pain away. I want to go back to this morning and...fuck it, I want take every God damn hurt you have and transfer it all onto me!"

He stopped and shook his head.

“I don’t want to frighten you. I never want to frighten you. I don’t want you to hurt anymore, in any way.”

As tears rolled down her cheeks, Arnav slowly walked to her.

He stood in front of her, but she didn’t look up, instead stared at the silver buckle of his belt.

He leaned down so that he was at eye level with her.

Gently, he reached up and cupped her face, his thumb caressing her cheek with the softest touch.

Carefully, he leaned forward and kissed her hair.

When he straightened, his gaze locked with hers. 

His eyes said it all.

Determined fury mixed with the promise of retribution.

His voice roughened over the words, “Khushi...What can I do to help you now? What do you need?”

Khushi took a deep trembling breath.

“Clothes. I need the clothes you got before...”

“They’re out on the bed.” Quickly, he rose, turned, and in seconds he was back holding out soft cotton clothes...

Placing them on the bench, he lifted the shirt...“Let me help you...please...” he asked.

Khushi shook her head, her eyes refilling with fear...

He stood still..

A beat passed.

"No...Please leave."

His breathing was audibly difficult..."No, No Khushi, I can't leave...I need to help you, to be with you...I need-"


His heart began to cry out in pain..."Khushi...Please..."

"NO!" she screeched, but almost immediately hissed with pain...

With a bleeding heart, he took a step back..."I..I...I just...Ok...okay..."

Very slowly, he closed the door.

Khushi closed her eyes and turned...

When her lids flickered open, she beheld her image in the mirror...

Sadness hovered over her head...

And though it hurt, Khushi dressed herself, combed her hair, and tried to cover up her bruised face...

“I am strong. I am strong. I—I—I am strong.” She thought firmly, wiped the tear from her eye, then stood and faced the mirror.

The sight made her tremble.

“I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay,” she repeated, hoping she would believe the mantra.

But the woman staring back at her reminded her too much of a past she’d tried to leave behind. 

Shyam may have tried to break her, but he wouldn’t.

He wouldn’t.

She might crack and tremble, shake and fear, but she would—not—break.

Reaching for the door knob, she emerged from the bathroom...

Instantly before her, was her husband...

He sounded ragged and pained as he spoke..."Khushi..."

She kept her eyes low...

"Khushi? Are..."

He stopped...

How can you ask if she's 'alright' you asshole!!!

Khushi turned, and walked towards the bed...

Her fingers rested on the sheet as she tried to lift her legs to climb on the mattress, but her body seized up and she breathed in harshly...

Arnav's arms were around her in less than a second...

"Khushi...shhhh....easy...Let me...please...PLEASE sweetheart..."

"" her forehead scrunched up..."I...I don't"

She tried to move away, but the pain began to spread..."Ohhhh Argh....I can't...I...I...oh..." and she began to cry...

No longer seeking permission, Arnav lifted her in his arms...

His heart swelled up to twice it's size as he finally held her against him...

"Let me...please...I need to take care of you...I need to...I love you..."

He waited...not wanting to put her down...

And for a moment, he truly felt her slightly rest against him, but then just as quickly she stiffened...

"P...put me...down..."

"Khushi, I just wanted to hold you...I need to feel you against me..."

Her breathing hitched on a sob, "Put me down...please...please..."

Loathing to let her go, he began to lean forwards to place her on the bed, but suddenly her hand flew up to his shirt, holding on tight...

Holding her closer, he focused on her..."Sweetheart? Khushi?"

He saw her eyes, wide and worried, and he followed her gaze...

Two police stood in the doorway...

His stare turned deadly and his voice was eerily quiet..."Out of this room. NOW..."

The two men instantly retreated and the door shut once again...

Her grip on his shirt dropped...

"Please put me down..."

His eyes slammed shut for a moment, but he took comfort in the fact that she had turned to him for support, even if it was just for a moment...

Laying her gently down, he moved the large white pillows behind her to make sure she was comfortable, and covered her up with the blanket...

"Are you...are you comfortable...?"

Her voice was shaky, "No...but I'm...I...What do they want?"

He sat down on the bed, staying close ...“They want to talk to you. But if you’d rather wait until tomorrow or another time, any time, that’s one is going to rush can wait until we go home.”


She closed her eyes. 

“No, that’s fine. I’ll—I’ll talk to them,” she said softly.

Though the robe was thick, it did little to warm her as the cold started to seep back into her bones.

Closing her eyes, she said aloud, but quietly, “I survived before and I’ll survive again.”

A shiver danced down her spine. 

It could have been worse.

Shyam could have finished what he started.

He could have actually raped her.

The calls and threats were bad enough.

But then, being face to face with him...the whispers, the helplessness of it all, on top of all the buried memories . . .

The trembling started again as whimpers came of their own accord...

Grabbing another blanket, he covered her carefully...

Cautiously, he took her hand in his..."Your hands are cold, let me..."

Pulling her hands away, ""

At that moment, the doctor and nurse walked in...

"I see that you managed to shower by yourself?"

Khushi nodded towards the nurse...

Arnav, however, was fuming..."Yeah, Don't you think you should have helped her? Given how hurt she is!?"

The nurse scowled as she turned her attention to Arnav, "Sir, she was very distressed, and I did not want to upset her more by arguing..."

Khushi didn't say a word as the doctor checked her...

"Did you put on the ointment yourself?"

She kept her silence, and Arnav intervened, "I did...was it the wrong thing to do? She seemed to be in pain and..."

"No no, you did the right thing...there is an anesthetic in this cream, so it has helped ease any stinging..."

The nurse moved towards Khushi, handing her a cup of hot tea...

The lady smiled warmly at her as she took the mug...

The tea warmed her palms.

She shifted on the bed again, the pull in her ribs catching her breath.

"Now, Sir, the police need to speak with your wife..."

The two policemen stood off to the side.

Arnav quickly glued himself beside Khushi...

He sat beside her on the bed and his body next to hers was a warm comfort.

Though at times, she stiffened at his touch.

And she hated that, even though she couldn’t seem to help it.

One of the officers cleared his throat.

“Mrs. Raizada, would you rather do this alone?”

The tea jiggled when she jerked. 

Arnav was about to growl in anger towards the man's audacity at asking such a question, but she reached one hand out and laid it on top of his on his thigh.

His heart lept...

“Stay. Please?”

His eyes began to sting with the onset of tears...“I...I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere...I swear...” He turned his hand over and laced his fingers with hers.

She didn’t know if she was more relieved or nervous.

Taking a deep breath, she nodded.

Khushi didn’t look at either of them.

“Mrs. Raizada..." one man said, “can you walk us through what happened? From the beginning?”

She took a deep breath and started her story.

Jerky at first, but smoother as the words came forth.

"I had fallen to the ground...I couldn't move...and...then the man lifted me and put me in the backseat of a dark car...right on the lap of...of Shyam...he spoke to me...I still couldn't move...I was numb...I saw him inject my arm, but I didn't feel anything...then I just...I passed out..."

Her hand shook in Arnav’s and he tightened his hold on her.

Licking her lips, she started again.

With each word, she was aware of the man next to her tightening, coiling his energies, ready to strike out.

“That’s it. That’s all I remember,” she said.

“How long do you think you were unconscious?” the policeman asked softly.

The cold had settled in her bones again, and Khushi could feel the tremors start.

“I—I don’t know. I don’t know.”

"The sedative he gave you was not very strong, so you wouldn't have been out long...”

Khushi still couldn't look up.

She began to unconciously hold onto Arnav's hand...

“Then what happened when you woke up?”

Tears were coming...

“I don’t know. I don’t know what he did to me while I—while I . . . When I couldn’t...”

She took a deep shuddering breath as a tear dropped from her cheek.

“When I w-woke up. Things were foggy, fuzzy. I couldn’t focus.”

She blew the breath out and whispered, “I—I was already . . . He’d already ...already hurt clothes were...torn...and. . . I was trapped...” She brought her free hand up to shade her eyes, cursing the fear that roared like a clawing beast...

Arnav was ready to explode...

He held her as close as he could with out hurting her...

He wanted her to stop.

Stop talking.

He wanted to erase this from her life completely...

Just as he was about to demand that the questioning be over, he felt her move closer to him, finally looking into his eyes, and say...“I don’t—I don’t wan—want to talk about this anymore, please...please I don't...”

His heart shattered seeing her tears...

Arnav pulled her close and she felt his lips against her head.

“...please...I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” she whispered into his chest.

He moved his palm gently over her back and whispered..."Shhh, shh sweetheart...You don't have to say anymore...shhh..."

"Please I don't-"

"Khushi," he softly held her, staring deep into her eyes..."You  don't need to say anything more...Look at me..." his eyes hypnotised hers..."I'm with're safe with me..."

Her lips moved as she tried to reply, but instead, she fainted against him...


"...but is she okay?" Anjali said nervously...

"Chote said that she is..."

"But how could he do this! I loved him! How could he! Nani, I just don't understand..."

"Di, please...look, your daughter...she's beautiful, and you were so brave through the labor! We are here for you..."

Payal still had not heard from Akash and was secretly panicking.

"Payal Bitiya is right. Look at this little..."

That second the baby began to screech.

"...look at this little LOUD baby..." Nani smiled

Anjali lifted the newborn to her chest and held her close..."She is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen..."

"Did you want me to call Chote again?"

Anjali paused but shook her head and smiled..."No...He is where he needs to be...And so am I..."


"You're sending her home?!" he tried not to yell..."Look at her! She needs ..."

The doctor interrupted him..."She needs rest, love, care and you. Yes she's still very banged up, but she is okay. Take her home.  The man who attacked her is back in jail. She is safe now."

Arnav looked over to Khushi who was staring blankly out the window.

She was nervous about returning home, and he knew it.

The memories haunted her.

"Mrs. Raizada?" 

Arnav sidestepped passed the doctor, reaching her first...

"Just take things easy until you've healed. And there is a professional counselor in the hospital that we suggest you see, even if it is just for a few appointments..."

Staying silent, Khushi nodded and looked down at her hands...

Arnav felt like he was falling to pieces...

All those months where she said she didn't feel anything, where she was hurting for all the mistakes he had made, and she was right back there...and it was all his fault.

He cursed himself every time a tear would sparkle down her face...

Walking to the couch, he leaned down..."Khushi?"


"Please look at me..."

Slowly, her eyes lifted...

Arnav smiled softly, "Hi sweetie, It's time to go home..."

Her eyes widened, and he quickly continued..."no no no, it's okay...everything is okay...truly...I promise..."

The look of anxiety didn't diminish as he moved closer..."I am going to lift you into my don't need to do anything...okay?"

She paused, but deep inside, she knew that there was no other option...


Arnav could see that she was scared, but he carefully picked her up, cradling her against his chest...

He could feel her body trembling.

Arnav had asked HP to bring his car to the hospital so he could sit in the backseat and hold Khushi.

The drive home was silent except for Khushi’s hurried breath against his chest...

She was in pain...

Her body was burrowed into him.

At a traffic light, he leaned over and retrieved a bottle of water.

Without moving her, he reached for the bottle of painkillers...

“Are you able to take one of these yet?”

“No...not for another hour...”

He scowled, "Why the HELL did they send you home...You should be at hospital...”

“No!” Her hand shook as it covered his... “Please. I hate those places. Please.”

His eyes darted from her hand back to her face...“Okay... Okay, whatever you want.”

He held the water up to her lips and watched as she took a drink.

Pulling back, hissing, her tongue darted out to lick her lips.

As she curled back against him, she moaned at the pain in her belly...

Her hand moved over her stomach...“He...he could have...” 

“No Khushi!" he held her close, yet loosely... “He’s never getting near you again.”

Arnav wanted to rip the monster apart piece by slow piece.

It didn’t matter how damn long it took.

One day, he’d find the son of a bitch, and when he did, he’d make the bastard beg for mercy long and hard before he finished with him.

No one...NO ONE hurt the woman he loved and got away with it.


  1. Fab update love how u r taking her recovery to the horrible incident slowly

    Arnav feeling guilty of what has taken place is doing good job at being a caring husband


  2. poor khushi and arnav finally the recovered only to be dragged through hell again asr guilt of choosing his sister again and leaving khushi alone is eating him up she is not sure if she was raped awesome update