Wednesday, August 22, 2012

FF : I Feel Everything Part 27





The car pulled to a stop in front of the family mansion.

Arnav climbed from the car and leaned down, reaching toward her.

Khushi shook her head... “No, I’ll walk. I want to walk.”

Feeling desperate, he shook his head, "No Khushi...I'm going to carry you..."

As he reached for her, Khushi flinched back..."N...No...I want to walk..."

His heart lurched to see her withdrawing from him once again, and it made his desperation rise...

"Please Khushi, don't push me away...I need to help you...please..."


"No...No..."


He could see her starting to panic...

Resigning, he reached out his hand and helped her up..."Alright...shhhh..."

She really wished she could take the painkillers...

Pain pulsed through her body. 

Letting out a long shallow breath, she grabbed his hand and stared at the stairs before her...


Oh God...No, I can DO this...


Arnav wanted to scream at her need to do things for herself...


With each pained footstep she took, he could see her pain, feel her pain...


Climb the stairs. Climb. You don't need help. You can help yourself.

He didn't rush her...

He stayed by her side, one arm behind her, keeping her close and secure...


Keep going Khushi, you can do it...she kept repeating to herself.


Finally they reached the front door and she stepped back inside her home.

Arnav closed the door behind them.

The soft click of the latch seemed to thunder in the silent entryway.

Arnav gently wrapped one arm around her back as she walked along, but she soon came to a halt...

No...don't stop...come on...you can do it...move Khushi...MOVE...!!!


She tried to command her legs to move, but her strength was depleting...


Arnav knew, but still he waited, desperate to help her..."Khushi?"


Feeling completely  useless, she whimpered...“I—I can’t...”

Damn the tears, she could feel them sliding down her cheek.

She started to reach up, but Arnav cupped her face, his thumb brushing the wet trail away.

“Shhh...don't cry..." his own eyes were burning as he carefully lifted her...

"I'm with you...Just rest...”

He continued slowly up the stairs and towards their room...

And to think, that only a few days before, she had been safe and unharmed...

He didn't know what emotion was going to win, the anger, the pain, or the despair.

He lay Khushi down with extreme care ...

"Khushi...do you need..." he stopped when he saw that she was asleep...

Kissing her softly on her lips, he whispered..."I'm sorry...So damn sorry..."

He didn’t change.

He didn't do anything.

He stood at the poolside door staring into space.

He couldn't concentrate on anything.

All he could see was Khushi scared...

Khushi crying...

Khushi beaten and helpless.

Fury roared through him...

He recalled what Shyam had yelled as the police were dragging him away...."She is mine, Arnav! Mine! She always has been and she always will be. I’ll kill her before I let anyone else have her..."

His heart beat harder and harder, faster and faster.

His blood was roaring in his ears, drowning out all sound until one noise broke through the barrier...

Khushi was whimpering...

He turned around fast and saw her trying to move...

He knew she was in pain.

Looking at the clock he saw the time.

He'd been standing  at the window staring for almost 2 hours.

She whimpered again, only this time, it lengthened into a scream.

His heart crashed in his chest.

“Khushi...!” he rushed to her side...

He lifted her gently and pulled her close...

"NO!" She moved away from him... “No, no. Stop!” she pleaded, gasping for breath.

"Shh... Shh... It’s just a dream! You're with me Khushi! You're with me!” She struggled within his hold, caught in whatever demons plagued her.

“Let me go! Let me go!!” She pulled and strained in his arms. “I hate you. Hate you. I always have and I always will!” Her voice was hoarse, barbed with malice.

“Kh...Khushi...” Softly, he kissed her forehead...“Come on sweetheart, wake up! Shh... You’re safe! You’re safe here with me! Your husband!!!” He rocked her, anger and helplessness warring within him.

Finally, finally, she stilled.

Arnav held her head gently as she opened her eyes.

Panic coated her smoky irises ...

“It's alright...You were having a bad dream...you're safe...” he told her softly.

She stared at him with almost vacant eyes.

Tears wet her cheeks and he reached up to wipe them off, but she shied away.

On a sighing growl, he dropped his hand back.

He felt completely lost .

He had no idea if he was helping her or making things worse.

Looking back up at her, he saw tears still shimmering in her eyes.

She didn’t look away.

Her bottom lip trembled... “G...go away...I—I want to be alone...”

Panic struck him.

“N...No...Khushi...please...I can't leave you alone..."

She tried to shake her head, but only hissed in pain... “I feel so dirty... like such a—a—a whore...”  

“What The!” He couldn’t believe this...

NOT MY WIFE! NO!

“Why! Why the fuck would you . . .”

He took a deep breath...No, she didn’t need his anger.

With more calm than he thought he had, he said, “Sorry...sorry, I am not going to yell...but... Why would you ever think something like that?”

Tears trailed down her cheeks and her eyes were hazy pools of pain..."I...I feel so dirty...he...he touched me..."

Her eyes were still glazed and he noticed her voice wasn’t normal, not quite slurred, but not . . . not . . . normal.

Silence settled between them.

“Khushi...I don’t know what to do to help you...I...I am disgusted with myself for...”

"You...You were only trying to protect Di...she needed you and...oh God...she needed you..."

Arnav felt his anger rising..."No, no Khushi don't say it..."

"She needed you and I was so focused on myself...Oh God, I caused this..." she whispered.

Arnav released her quickly and stood up..."DON'T! DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT! I hate this! Hate this!!! YOU caused this!? You bloody well did NOT!!! How the FUCK did I let this happen to you again!”

He felt a chill go through him...

His heart hurt so badly, he was sure it was melting.

But again, all thought for himself vanished when he saw her shivering...

Grabbing  the quilt, he wrapped it around her, then sat beside her on the bed.

He desperately wanted to be closer...

Moving slowly, he slid under the sheets beside her...

He pulled the quilt around, engulfing them both.

Her head now rested on the crook of his shoulder.

He ignored, or tried to, the way she immediately stiffened.

He could all but feel her forcing herself to relax.

“Khushi...let me make certain you understand this, I never, never want to hear you call yourself that again...”

My God, that she’d even think it!

He tilted her chin up so that she was looking at him.

“And don't you DARE say that this was your fault...”

Her eyes were haunted as she blinked.

This close and at this angle of light, he noticed the size of her pupils, large and round, edging out the gray of her irises.

His skin tingled as he suddenly felt her hands slide up his chest...

“I...I can’t get him out of my mind, Arnavji. He’s there. He’s always there. Just waiting, just like before. He won’t let me go, he—he—” She stopped, her voice cut off by sobs...

Tightening his hold on her, he said, “I'm so damn sorry...Shhh... I’m right here. You don’t have to do this alone.”

For a long time she was silent, so still and quiet he thought she was asleep.

“I was alone...” she whispered.

He felt her swallow, heard her ragged breathing and felt a tear drop as it fell on his hand.

“That will NEVER..." he slammed his eyes shut...

He was angry.

So angry.

"Don't say anything please..." she said shakily.

Grinding his teeth, he quietly spoke... “No...I won't..."

She was crying.

More tears fell on his hand holding hers.

“Shh,” he told her.

Her head shook on his shoulder.

Pulling back, he turned so that he could cup her face. “Look at me.” When her eyes rose to his, he said, “I WILL protect you Khushi! I will NOT leave you alone! I admit I’ve done a shitty job so far, but never again, Khushi. Do you hear me? Never again. You’re mine. Not his. I protect what’s mine. You are Khushi Singh Raizada!”

She blinked, then leaned her head against his chest.

Arnav held her, trying not  to think about what could have happened...

The bastard had her so utterly terrified she couldn't calm down, even in a concussed state.

“Relax Khushi...” he whispered... “I’ll hold you... You won’t have any more nightmares tonight.”

He’d make certain of it.




.....................................





Khushi began to wake up...

She felt disillusioned...

Her eyes roamed to the side and she saw Arnav...already awake...looking down at her...

His studying gaze was not new to her... “Morning,” he said lightly.

“Morning...”

Moments stretched to minutes and the silence remained.

Arnav could see her remembering...recalling...reliving...

And he hated that there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it...

Khushi didn’t know what to say to him.

How to talk to him.

Unlike the days before, where her husband had been her sense of balance, she now felt fidgety and twitchy around him...and she was already off enough between her emotions, lack of sleep, the nightmares, the pain meds and stress in general.

Her body felt cold...

He saw her shiver and carefully pulled the covers around her ...

Dread tightened the muscles in her neck and nerves twisted her stomach, but she stayed still.

The seconds stretched.

Arnav cleared his throat.

He raked a hand through his hair, then turned to face her fully.

"Khushi...”

She was taken back by the tone of his voice...

His voice had never been a humorous one, and had been known to cut a person with a scathing word, herself included.

But now, now his voice was different.

The underlying edge of angered steel, and hurt rang clear.

“Khushi...pl...please. I...I need you to know that...that I'm here. I'm here for YOU. I'm not letting you go. I'm not leaving you alone. I'm here... I don’t . . . I can’t . . . Ah, hell,” he finished on a broken cry...

Arnav still had his arms around her...and yet, as Khushi looked, she could see his muscles flexed...

His entire body was straining...

He wanted to pull her close to his heart, but was trying with all his strength to hold back...

“Khushi, I'm...I'm scared...I don't know what to do...I want, so severely, to be close to you...but I can feel your resistance... but I want to give you time to recover ...but ...Khushi... I’m afraid that if I do, I could lose you, that you’ll just fade into—into this quiet unseen person again...” 

His voice shook,  “I know if I push too hard, you’ll just shut down on me. Or, God forbid, something breaks in you that I can’t fix,” he whispered, “and I’ll lose you either way.”

His eyes were so sincere..."I can't lose you Khushi..."

Her eyes remained fixed on him.

She wanted to speak, but her voice was immobile...

Arnav saw a tear falling from her eye and his hand came up to wipe it away...

“Even now..” he continued, “...even now, you’re tense at the thought of me touching you...and it's killing me inside...”

Her eyes widened and she tried to pull away from his hold, but he only moved closer.

For a moment her heart screamed out in fear...

“Khushi...Don’t shut me out...please...I'm sorry... I'm begging you...please..."

Arnav was a man who analysed everything and was, she knew, blaming himself. 

She licked her lips and looked down as his hand gently brushed her tears away...

He hated seeing her so afraid...

Leaning in, he tried to gauge her reaction for one kiss...

Lifting her eyes, the image before her became a blur...

Too close, he was getting too close.

She closed her eyes and finally spoke..."No...no please...no..."

He froze.

His eyes pierced through to her soul...“Talk to me...Khushi...tell me what do to...” he coaxed softly.

All she saw were his eyes...

“Sweetheart, talk to me,” his whispered.

Flashes of memories pierced her.

Arnav watched the emotions play across her face.

He could see her weakening, watched as she opened her mouth and shut it, then opened it again as if searching for words.

But then something shifted in her eyes, and he saw terror and fear in their depths before she slammed her defenses back up.

Khushi tried to free herself from his hold.

He inwardly cursed.

“Leave me alone...” She shoved hard against his chest..“Leave me alone! You know nothing. Nothing about any of it! I was alone with him! AGAIN! Something I thought I'd never have to face again! NO!” she said furiously.

The pain in her scream echoed in his heart.

Khushi's eyes haunted him as he rolled away from her...

He missed her.

The feel of her, the taste of her, the way it should have been between them...

There was no way of knowing if he could get that back, but he was damn well going to try.

"Khushi..."


She was now sitting still once more...


"I'm...I'm sorry...I..." she gasped as she tried to sit up fully...

Arnav reached for her, holding her gently as he piled pillows up behind her..."Don't say sorry...I'm here, let me help you..."

Once she was somewhat comfortable, he got up off the bed...

Standing tall, he walked to the bedroom door and screamed out..."HP! Bring some breakfast up."

Closing the door fast again, he picked up the jug of water near his bedside, poured a glass and strode to her side of the bed.

"Khushi...Please sit up and take some medicine..."

Her eyes were wary of his every movement...

As he leant forward to help her sit up, she realized how much she had come to rely on him.

The sound of his voice, the quiet smile he’d send her, just being next to each other...

Him simply there was something she’d come to count on.

But his harsh words..."LET GO OF ME!" lashed back in her mind...and made her angry.

LET GO OF ME!!!!!!

She gasped out loud and Arnav dropped everything to move closer...

"Khushi...Khushi!?"

Her pained eyes met his...

"I only wanted to hold you for a moment...Didn't you understand that I had just been held at gunpoint? That I had just tried desperately to save your life? That all I needed for a few seconds was to feel your arms around me?!..."

Face to face with her, his skin crawled at the fatal mistake he'd made.

"Kh...Khushi...I...I am...I was...I didn't think...I was...I'm so sorry...I was worried for...no...NO...I'm so sorry..."

His words haunted her......

"You were worried for...for Di..."

A flicker of embarrassment shadowed her face...

"Khushi?...yes I was worried for her, but I made a mistake...the biggest fucking mistake of my life!"

"...No..."

He began to recognize the look in her eyes..."No Khushi...No...NO..."

"You were right to worry for her...I was selfish. I saw only my fear..."

"NO Khushi!"

With shaky hands he put the glass down...

"I have come to rely on you too much..."

"N..No...Kh...Khushi...no I was the one who was wrong! ME!"

Khushi drew in a heaving breath..."Oh God...I brought this on myself...I was careless...I..."

NO.

Arnav broke.

Giving no thought to her aches or injuries, he gripped her body and flew on top of her...

His legs held her body still as he lowered his body carefully onto hers...

"NO KHUSHI! NO MORE! I am NOT having you blame yourself for another one of my faults! NO!"

His hands came up to frame her face..."I will not have that fucking monster make you believe that you’re at fault here!  Hell, you... you’re protecting everyone with no care to yourself!”

Terror messed with her mind.

Arnav was so scared that she'd completely shut down again that he'd used force...

He noticed Khushi starting to breathe hard...

"Shhh...Shit...no...no Khushi, I'm not angry at you...I'm not..." he let out a pent up growl..."Sweetheart...jaan...you aren't to blame...you aren't..."

Khushi shivered...

Looking into his eyes made her long for protection...long to be held again...to just rely on him one more time...

Just one more time...


She took one trembling breath, and then another and threw her arms around his neck...

Gasping for air, her voice broke as she cried out..."Hold me... Please Arnavji...Just hold me please..."

Instantly his arms wrapped around her as he embraced her...

Here, she was safe.

Here, no one could harm her.

Khushi's pushed all thoughts from her mind and focused on his arms around her, strong and tight.

Finally she felt safe...and with that feeling, came the breakdown...

Khushi's pain and heartache began to pour out...

Arnav held her in his steadfast arms, even thought her every cry, her every sob, made him want to die.





Precap-


Arnav pulled her gently towards him..."I don't know how I ever came to deserve you..."

"I...I love you Arnavji..."

The muscles in his cheek bunched and moved even as his chest rose on inhalation...

His arms tightened around her as he rasped..."Oh God...I've been so...I didn't think that...I wondered if I'd ever hear you say that to me again..."

Trying to control his own emotion, he slid his arm fully around her waist and lifted his other arm and firmly held the back of her head..."I love you Khushi...I'm here...I'm right here..."

His eyes held hers as his lips touched her mouth...

Her eyes drifted closed as his lips lingered undemanding on hers...

He began to flood her senses...

His gentle coaxing tempted her until she finally wound her arms around his neck and relaxed against him...



1 comment:

  1. emotional update very hard on both of them the anger at him leaving her to protect his di had to come out she needs to know and so does he that khushi is the most important person in the world to him heartbreaking update loved l

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